LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, 



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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



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A NEW WAY 



TO 



PAY OLD DEBTS 



PHILADELPHIA. 
1881. 









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COPYRIGHT, 1882, BY LOUIS BELROSE, Jr, 



PYTHIAS MD DSMO: 

OR, 

A NEW ¥SY TO PSY OLD DEBTS. 



Sweet is the love in maiden eyes 

When young desire and duty strive, 
And bright the flame that's kept alive 

Upon the altar Love supplies ; 

Sweet are a mother's thoughts that rise 
A mingling hope and recollection, 

But sweeter, sweeter are the ties 
Of friendship's pure affection. 

The burst of sentiment above 

Was prompted by the tale below, 
Which tells what passed some years ago 

Between a pair of worthies of 

The city called Fraternal Love. — 

A pair who claimed for signs armorial 

Two rabbits and a turtle dove 

Bearing the word " Censorial." 

Although this famous town possessed 

Many good men and christians true, 
Ncne equalled those alluded to. 

Of all their time they spent the best 

In righteous fear and trembling, lest 

Some miserable wretch should fracture 

The ten commandments, in the rest 
They used to manufacture. 



But trade was not their natural bent, 
In fact the purpose of their firm 
Was ill-expressed by such a term. 

That they were primarily meant 

For saving souls, was evident 

To anyone, but being laymen, 

They prosecuted this intent 

As "Pythias and Damon." 

Such were the names their sign displayed, 
And praises were on every lip 
That mentioned the copartnership. 

They scorned the emoluments of trade 

As tending only to degrade, 

And warp our notions of propriety, 

Unfitting one, as Pythias said, 
For gentlemens' society. 

Their perfect virtue never tripped, 

They never chewed the bitter cud 
Of dark remorse, for in the bud, 

All promptings of the flesh were nipped. 

So being thoroughly equipped 

For purging out the sin that lingers 

In human hearts, few chances slipped 
Between their pious fingers. 



This righteous twain made such advance, 
Each in his own extensive set, 
That it was soon an even bet 

None would escape their vigilance. 

But now a man who'd lived in France 
Appeared upon the town's horizon 

Of course they looked at him askance, 
As one to keep their eyes on. 

Here was indeed a case for zeal. 

The stupid Frenchmen rarely know 

What to keep back and what to show, 
Which often leads them to reveal 
The thing a Yankee would conceal 

Most carefully, and never blab it, 
Although as crooked as an eel, 

And wanton as a rabbit. 

He'd lived in France ! and what was more, 
He spoke the language pretty well ! — 
Enough to send two souls to , 

And so it wasn't long before 

The righteous minded Damon swore 

He'd found such darkness in the fellow, 

Not all the waves on Jordan's shore 
Could wash him even yellow. 



'Twas not, perhaps, exactly true, 

But when the mind's entirely free 

From tincture of impurity, 
We're apt to judge what others do 
Severely, — 'there were reasons too. 

To put it plain, I don't suppose if 
You read this person's history through 

You'd find he was a Joseph. 

This was enough, for Damon quite 

(Though free from all ill-will, of course), 

Made chastity a hobby-horse. 
He didn't know the luckless wight, 
Not even, as I think, by sight, 

And, heaven knows, he hated quarrels, 
But he went in with all his might, 

For purity of morals. 

His end, too, fully justified 

The means, as ends will always do, 

When we've morality in view. 
His object was, as moral guide, 
To stop the spreading far and wide 

Of Spiritual contamination, 
And who could blame him if he tried 

A slight exaggeration ? 



The indictment was concubinage, 

In its most aggravated form ; 

The importation of a swarm 
Of lady friends, whom he'd engage 
To put the righteous in a rage ; 

French, English, Irish, Scotch and others 
Young maidens, fifteen years of age, 

Their mothers and grandmothers. 

This, and a good deal more beside, 
Our zealous Damon spread about, 
And, not to leave the slightest doubt, 

He thought it proper to provide 

The names of some who certified. 

'Tis true they wickedly objected ; 

But wasn't Jesus Christ denied ? 
That was to be expected. 

What troubled him exceedingly 

Was this ; the man whom he accused, 

Most unexpectedly refused 
To bear it with a due degree 
Of Christian equanimity. 

In fact, he formally requested 
Retraction and apology, 

Against which D, protested. 



6 



Then growing less and less discreet, 

He even asked for something more, 

And being answered as before, 
And told his ways were obsolete, 
He fell into a violent heat, 

And sallied forth so well provided 
That, meeting Damon on the street, 

The latter was cowhided. 

Now, like the one of Syracuse, 

Our Damon taught his blood to pass 

The filter of Pythagoras, 
And, thereby, in a measure lose 
The corpuscles, which most infuse 

The brain with tragic thoughts abhorrent ; 
So sending Pythias the news, 

He went and got a warrant. 

Thus come we to the second part 

Of this, my tale ; if this were all, 
It should not have been told at all, 

I could not find it in my heart 

To prostitute the rhyming art 

Digging up hatchets ; these I bury. 

What's gone before is from the start 
Merely preliminary. 



No ! purest friendship is my theme : 
Two manly hearts that beat as one 
Beneath the tempest or the sun ; 

Two minds that in the hour supreme 

Think but one thought ; a perfect team ! 
The tender mystical communion 

Of two sweet souls, that fondly dream 
Of some seraphic union. 

Great was the wrath of Pythias. 

The blood within him boiled as though 

Himself had taken every blow, 
And all his words were ominous, 
Then Damon came and said ; and thus 

Stern P., while awful choler pricks him, 
" It wouldn't pay to make a fuss, 

But wait awhile, we'll fix him !" 

Thenceforth from that eventful day, 

While Phoebus drove the shining car ; 

While pallid Cynthia shone afar, 
How most to harm with least delay 
Held o'er their souls despotic sway. 

No thing on earth had virtue drastic, 
To purge the absorbing thought away, 

Not even Gum elastic. 



8 



Soon wastes the rankling breast that pens 

From outward gaze a pious hate. 

As luck would have it, ere too late, 
That special providence, which kens 
The needs of earthly denizens, 

Sent in the foeman's application 
For membership to our Young Mens' 

Christian Association. 

Dark gleamed the wrathful Pythias' eye, 

When first he saw the ballot board ; 

" Now vice shall have a just reward,'' 
He muttered, " Yes, the hour is nigh ! 
And deuced lucky, by the by, 

For Damon's getting awful nervous. — 
How sweet to serve a dear ally, 

While rendering Heaven a service ! 

The audacious stranger failed to see, 

How Damon's cowhiding could weigh 
So much with this Y. M. C. A., 

Of which he was not ; happily 

The wretch ignored the fact that he 

Was bosom friend to one commanding 

Great influence through piety, 
And lofty moral standing. 



9 



His dupe was told the risk he ran, 
In putting up the villain's name, 
And counselled to withdraw the same. 

But he, though member of the clan, 

Was not a very pious man ; 

They seldom are in his vocation, 

(Ship fighting), so when they began, 
He asked an explanation. 

O, magic Solidarity ! 

O, grinder of all grist we bring 

Into the just and proper thing ! 

O, stop, the lyric ecstasy 

Entirely overpowers me. 

Such subjects as the one before us, 
Require so much apostrophe, 

There ought to be a chorus. 

'Twas more than wrong to say " explain," 

When all men knew that this was thus, 

For virtue and for Pythias. 
The thing was so exceeding plain, 
So proper too, and such a gain 

For Christ, that why the Saint Consistory 
Sought other reasons, must remain 

The model of a mystery. 



10 



Nevertheless a search was made, 

And very strong objections found 
Against the person, on the ground 

That he who fathered and defrayed, 

Had followed a forbidden trade, 

Had been for years without a pang, or 

Regret, except when badly paid, 
A hardened " paper-hanger." 

It mustn't be supposed that all 

The many ways of taking in 

The neighbor, were accounted sin, 
Or thought unworthy, not at all. 
The list was so extremely small 

That even " Rubber Scraps " were lawful, 
But making paper for a wall, 

Was utterly too awful. 



To cut a tiresome story short, 

The foul impostor's base career 
Was ended, as they say, right here. 

It seems that finding he was caught, 

And knowing there was nothing for it, 

He straightway doused his vital taper ; 

Hanged to a wall, as some report, 
Just like a piece of paper. 



